amid the job applications shitty managers and
“we regret to inform you”
hope is what fuels me
let loss be your guide
hope be your pilot
and god be your navigator

this god my god the god of my undoing
doing
breathing

god

i thought god was in a church
as i grew up in texas
was baptised and confirmed presbyterian
married twice
divorced twice
the vows failing to provide security
when the mother of my children chose to exit

bless her

i am free
broken
purposeful
and alone

finding my own prayers
wrestling with demons and damsels in distress
losing whole libraries
to half priced books
“here’s your offer”
if you get over ten dollars
you’ve unloaded boxes of books

back into the stream
of words
words for readers
hopeful for readers
i occasionally release copies of my own books
into the bargain bins
goodwill’s
aa meeting houses
hope
runs deep

i am at a loss
and yet
still here
as happy as ever
a touch of fear some nights when darkness provides no rest

mostly
i am alive

with song promise words voice
as i am today
a tad chilly
an unnumbered number of days until christmas
typing typing typing typing and more
i won’t write it again
but please imagine the sound of typing
each letter chosen by my human biome
a condition i’ve had since i was a young boy
bored
given a pencil and time
tons of time
waiting for mom’s hairdresser appointment
next to a laundromat on the east side
“you’ll have to be patient”
she repeated
my first mantra

and my last

i wait patiently well
allowing my heart to anticipate the outcome
for a second or two before moving on
make the ask
let go of the outcome
and move on

like kids
growing going tik ing tok ing
or sipping black pistol fire
ask
let go
ask
let go
“but it’s christmas”
let go

christmas
we let go
jesus
we let go
walmart target amazon shien
we let go

i am unstable in time
unstuck to this moment
the past future and present arriving
here
now
still lost
seeing everything
backwards and forwards at once

released from regret by the joy
reminding myself
“i am the happiest i’ve ever been”
i’m like my own cheerleader
i’m cheering for you as well
so you can unhook from what’s causing you sadness
and re-tether yourself to what’s true

i love you
you are loved

believe me

i used to say this to girls in first grade
it freaked them out
i thought i had the formula
and in fourth grade
i was the bürgermeister
i got the role sang in german and had three girlfriends at once

then i had none
then i had one
the bad girl came back
she was the one i secretly wanted the most

odd how they are all friends with me
on the FBs IGs
high school reunions are an enlightening affair
i won
all three of them in one room
four years ago
i can say
i shot the moon
felt the joy and the shame
and burned brightly on the stage

i am still trying to get back to that moment
not the three-girlfriend moment
the burgermeister moment
with the sash
the conviction
the same voice
i sing with today

i understand that young man more today
and the man he would become
even the “surrounded by friends and family” moment
gives me unlimited joy
the bürgermeister is in me
and the more i chase after him
the further i get from my goals

this then is the goal
this moment between us
here
now

i smile
and will sing for you
for a moment

*i am here* < index page

© 2023 – a walt whitman ai poem by human john mcelhenney